The Good Ship Doodad

The good ship Doodad set sail once again for the open seas. At the helm was Captain Captain Hat with his trusty captain’s hat always by his side or on his head. This voyage was being funded by the Queen of Westphalia. The mission was to rescue the Queen’s sister who had been on a diplomacy trip to Spain in order to begin a relationship with the small nation that was beginning to spread it’s empire to the far reaches of the world.

On the return trip home, the queen’s sister’s ship had fallen prey to a well-known pirate by the name of Captain Green Beard. The reason Green Beard was a pirate was because he was angry. As you may guess, he was angry about having a green beard. In his early days most people suggested he just shave the beard but his destiny was to be a ship captain, as his father and grandfather had been, and no one would take a captain seriously if he didn’t have a beard to make him look gruff and distinguished. His plan backfired for his first few crews, because none of the deck hands had any respect for a man with a green beard.

Before leaving the port village of Fardtsenschnidt Captain Captain Hat gathered a group of ruffians who could easily get the job done. His first mate was Slappy. Slappy was an amputee, like many pirates. But he didn’t have the money to buy a nice polished wooden peg-leg, so settled for an empty whiskey jug fastened to his thigh by rope and fish bones. The rest of the crew consisted of a retired jester, an old sailor who had lost an eye in battle and was blind in the other, a fat kid named Mario, a cat-whisperer, a cat, and a selection of fellow able bodied sharp witted lads and lasses.

“Uuuaaaaarrrggggh! What a fine crew I’ve assembled to complete the noblest of tasks ever taken by the good ship Doodad.” Captain Captain Hat was mighty proud of himself, for he knew the mission would be a complete success with such a trusty team.

As good captains do, the Captain set sail at night so any spies Green Beard might have wouldn’t be wise about the Queen’s plans. On the second night, a panic swept the ship. As the crew was mostly at rest, blood-curdling screams rang throughout the bunking quarters. Mario had awaken for a midnight snack and had accidentally mistaken the cat for a moldy cheese ball he had hidden under his bed. With a hiss from the cat, the Cat Whisperer awoke just in time to catch bit of moonlight shining on Mario with the cat’s tail in his mouth. Once she screamed the incident had officially begun. Accusations began to fly that Mario was a cat eater. Then Mario accused the cat of trying to steal his cheese. The cat told his whisperer that he was only looking for the cheese to protect it from thieves. There was some plausibility to the cat’s story since the cheese was in fact missing. Now there was a new issue. A thief was among them.

“Oh would you all just shut up!” yelled a voice from the corner. It was the blind one eyed sailor. “I’ve got your cheese, I accidentally grabbed it when I was reaching for the cat.”

“Why were you reaching for the cat?” asked Mario.

“Because I was hungry and he was the only filthy thing I could smell strong enough to catch.” Somehow this was a good enough explanation, so after the jester danced and sang a little jingle about the event everyone was back in bed. Other than this minor upset the rest of the journey was smooth sailing.

This was the night that would test their worth as a crew. If they could successfully sneak onto Green Beard’s ship steal the Queen’s sister and begin the voyage home, they could be added to the Queen’s official royal fleet.

Silently they rowed a small dingy through the glassy water toward Green Beard’s ship. As they approached they noticed the Queen’s sister dining with Green Beard by candlelight on the bow of the ship. They were laughing and seemed to be enjoying themselves. Captain Captain Hat had had enough of covert missions, so sent Slappy as the head of this one. He trusted that Slappy could get the job done with great ease.

They waited on the port side of the boat near the stern by the anchor. The plan was: as soon as Green Beard left or gave them any opportunity, the blind one-eyed sailor would climb the anchor chain, listen his way on over to the Queen’s sister (since no on could see in the dark anyways and his sense of hearing was the keenest), grab her and throw her into the water near the boat. They would then throw Slappy’s jug to her as a floatation device and row the boat to her. Mario being the strongest, and the cat whisperer being the most nimble, would then pull the Queen’s sister into the boat. If they were noticed, the jester would use his improvisational skills to confuse Green Beard before he noticed anything, then jump into the water and swim back to the boat in the knick of time.

As they waited, the one eyed blind sailor decided to climb the chain that way he could get a head start whenever Green Beard gave them their opportunity. Suddenly the couple was up and dancing around the deck. Swinging and laughing all over the boat as if it were a ballroom floor. Green Beard twirled the Queen’s sister close to the railing to give her a romantic kiss when she slipped on a fish and went tumbling overboard. She landed right in the boat which confused Green Beard because there was no splash. Then the splash came. The blind one eyed sailor has heard the dancing duo making their way toward him panicked sending him into the salty water.

Mario kept a hand over her mouth until the expert whisperer was able to explain what they were doing. She finally calmed down. Although it broke her heart to here Green Beard rushing to get help, she knew it was for the better and went along with their plan. After they got the one eyed blind sailor back in the dingy, the most dreaded thing happened.

“Ahh, Ahhh!”

“No, don’t sneeze, we’re not far enough away. He’ll hear us and be on our tail,” whispered the cat whisperer.

“Are there cat’s around here? I’m allergic to cats,” the Queen’s sister declared.
“Ahh. Ahhh. AHHH CHOOOOOO.”

The sneeze echoed throughout the harbor and caught Green Beard’s ear. In the distance they heard Green Beard shouting at his crew to man their stations. Slappy had to warn Captain Captain Hat to ready the sails. He quickly took off his jug, busted out the bottom and yelled through the jug like a megaphone. Right then they saw the sails lift on Green Beards ship. They were still about a hundred yards from the good ship Doodad. The sails were on their way up on her too.

The chase that ensued lasted days until Captain Captain Hat told the crew to abandon the ship near the land and proceed on foot. The ship was important but the mission more so. Finally in the hills of Belgium Green Beard caught up with Captain Captain Hat.

On a bridge over a canyon the two began to swing their shiny pirate swords at each other. The crews of either ship thought this was a little weird. In the normal sword fights they had all seen between knights, the swords actually made contact. This seemed more like a cute pillow fight. Eventually Captain Captain Hat tripped and fell hitting his leg on a rock, leaving him lying in agony. Green Beard was right on top of him with his sword at his throat. Just as Green Beard was about to slide the blade across his throat, Captain Captain Hat said, “Hans, you don’t have to do this.”

Green Beard fell back. He was stunned. “What did you call me?”

“Uaargh Hans. What have you become? You know mother would roll over in her pile of ash if she were to see what you’re doing.”

Green Beard, began to weep. “Look brother, I’ve finally found the woman of my dreams and I’m not going to let you take her away now.”

“I have to do it for the Queen. It’s not my choice.”

The brother’s spent some time reconciling their differences. Meanwhile, the crews had set up a makeshift craps table and fashioned some small rocks into dice. They seemed to be getting along just fine and hoped that the two captains would as well. After nearly two hours, the captains came around the rock they were behind and laid out their scheme to the crew.

With the Queen’s sister’s consent, they returned to Captain Captain Hat’s ship and set sail for Westphalia. A great celebration was given upon their arivval into town. The Queen praised Captain Captain Hat, Slappy, the retired jester, the cat whisperer, the one eyed blind sailor, Mario, and even the cat. A choice was to be made by Captain Captain Hat. Did he want the acceptance into the royal fleet or did he want to be paid a bounty. In the wake of the recent events, he had come to the conclusion that he wanted to know no other life. He took the bounty.

That night the Queen’s sister lay awake in her chambers. Finally she heard her que. One rock, two, three, four, five, six, seven…by this point she was wondering who decided 13 rocks was a necessary number to let her know the time had come. THIRTEEN! She let out a half-hearted scream, then threw a bottle of perfume against the mirror. Out the window she went.

The palace guards raced toward the sound of the galloping horse. By the time they got to the water it was too late. Under the moons light shining against the water, all they saw was the silhouette, standing tall and proud, of Captain Captain Hat and his captain’s hat.