A Case for Product Placement

“Good morning Pantene.”

“Mornin Zest,” Pantene replied in his typically mellow tone.

Pantene and Zest were the two oldest inhabitants of the Henderson’s shower. They had something going for them that the other washing products didn’t. They were refillable bottles. At times they felt a little down when their contents were low, but eventually someone would c ome along, usually on Wednesdays and fill them up so they could continue their legacy as the wise men of the washroom. Nobody quite knew, not even these two wise ones, why Wednesday was the cleaning day. It was just one of the many mysteries of the shower. Why did the smaller kids in the house always forget to turn then fan on when they used Sloan. Why did Oral B. Reach last longer than the many Colgates and Crests that came through the joint? Many questions like this were never understood. But what was understood was that some things in the washroom were never meant to be known.

Recently after a day of many new faces in the washroom one boy in the house drastically changed his behavior. It began when one morning he came into the bathroom with a new friend. Bic was his name. The other products had seen many Bics in their days but this one was around for quite a while. He was seldom used unlike Bic who belonged to the father and Schick who was the Mother’s. It was nice that he stuck around so long. His youth brought a sort of rejuvination to the room.

One day, the boy was acting very strange. It was two days after the cleaning day. The younger children had come home from whatever it was that they did during they day but the boy was still out. Suddenly they heard a heavy rumbling sound. It got closer and closer then settled close by with a slight squeal accompanying it. Soon after, the boy came into the washroom humming a joyful diddy to himself. He started off with Ivory and Bic then moved for Old Spice, who wasn’t really as old as his name made him sound. Suddenly something new appeared. It was a young product with a strong smell and radical wrapping. His name suited him quite well. Axe!

Axe was a smaller bottle so it was assumed that he would only last a few weeks. Oddly though he was only used on the second and third days after cleaning day. This aided in his longevity.

He was always telling stories of wild antics and shenanigans. No one was sure if they were true, as some were too outrageous to believe, but they were no less entertaining and that was good enough. Axe made the other products feel young again. When Zest and Pantene would get low they’d ask him to tell the story of the ride on the two wheeled cycle called Indian again. This helped them get through the days until Wednesday and by this point Axe had begun to feel accepted by the other washroom inhabitants so enjoyed telling the stories over to see his new friends happy. Back at the store he was surrounded by other products almost exactly like himself so welcomed the newfound relationships.

After a few months of weekend usage, Axe wasn’t much himself anymore. He wouldn’t keep everyone else up at night chatting away. He wouldn’t include the details in his stories that he once had and simultaneously was beginning to lose enthusiasm for even telling them. Everyone knew the inevitable was soon to happen.

They calculated that within two weeks Axe would see his last days. Something had to be done before then. For two nights the old men of the washroom stayed up past the normal time to devise a plan on how to keep their young friend around. They knew that they were stationary products so only could rely on accident to fulfill their plan. Their only hope was that one of the refillable products would be used at some point to add to Axe when Wednesday came around.

But Wednesday came and the group had no such luck.

It seemed that this Friday was the last one they would get to spend with Axe. Until then it was appropriate that they keep the conversation lively and not focus on the coming loss. And so they did. The last few days were full of laughter and singing among all of the friends.

Finally shower day came. They heard the sound of what they now assumed was Indian. In came the boy. He was now on his second Bic. Bic and Ivory had said their goodbyes moments before so they could focus on allowing enough time for the other products to say theirs too. When Bic began his work, he jumped a bit causing the boy to put him down for a second to use a towel to dab the blood from his chin. Everyone had said their goodbyes but the old men. The water was running as Zest and Pantene said their last words to Axe.

He said to them the last words he would ever speak and they were ever so faint, “blrp blrp. Plplprpr. PLLLLLLL!” He was gone.

After a week had gone by many of the products were already starting to forget him. Zest and Pantene couldn’t though. The last few months had meant so much to them. They were reminded of what it was like to be young. They had had similar experiences as Axe but were too old to remember them.

On the second Friday after his passing a sense of de ja vous came over the washroom. It seemed like the same day three months ago when Axe had been brought to them. The younger kids came home but the boy had not. After a long period of chatter they heard Indian in the background. As he got closer they all got excited but weren’t sure why. Finally he was stopped. A loud pop followed by the door opening then shutting created quite a stir in the washroom.

As the boy entered the room he presented a new friend to the group. A familiar friend. No one knew how to react at first. They knew that no product was exactly the same. But this one looked the same and was shaped the same. Finally he was opened. It was official. This was Axe. All his youth and vigor was once again filling the room. It was like an old friend had come back from the dead…that’s exactly what it was like.